Dream lives for ever!

Working

2006-09-06T18:32:00.000-07:00

I have been working for more than two month since July. Frankly speaking, I think I do nothing but waste my time if I do not learn something by myself which has nothing to do with my job. I do not get the idea why the company even hire me. There is nothing particular for me to do, either for some new colleague who just hang around in the office. Although I am very unsatisfied with the pay which can hardly pay for my rent and living expense, I still feel that I get the pay for nothing, Most of the time at work, I do my won thing and learn what I want to learn like reading books about cell or physiology. It is a good thing from an aspect, and maybe there is someone would envy me for having such easy job but for me, most of the time I feel lost with thinking why I am here. Anyway, even in the situation I have much to learn and fortunately I have the time too. That's good.

I can have a full schedule to learn all I want to.

Who is the one?

2006-08-27T08:50:00.000-07:00

Who is the one you want to spend the rest life with?
Love is something only you can feel and decide. Nobody can tell if you fall in love with someone except yourself. But more often that not, I cannot tell what I feel either. Relationship is the last thing that I can be sure about in the world and many times I said to myself that I just not suitable for relationship and I am just cannot be with anyone.

But I still wonder about the one I would spend my life with. I hope that one day someone would tell me that he can live without me but he does not want to. It's so simple that many girls wouldn't consider it as romatic but it is suitable for me. I just want to be with someone who like to be with me and he would also be ok if I am not there. We are free but related. That's all I want form relationship. I can live without you but I do not want to. An honest word speak louder than a crowd.

New Finding

2006-08-17T17:53:00.000-07:00

After back from the supermarket last night, I spend almost an hour in cleanning my house to prevent it from going moldy due to the damp weather in Guangzhou. I found that the easiest and fastest way to get myself out of low-emotion situation is going to the supermarket and buying a lot of food or other things, then go back home to clean the house. Doing housework is really a both time and energy consuming job, which can clearly stopping me from thinking any of the things which would make me unhappy. What's more, when you see the arranged room, and smell the fragrance of lemon comes form the cleanning solution, you will feel much better than sitting in a room, which had totally messed up with a wired smell.

I remember someone told me that his parents like to go to the funiture shop and buy all kinds of things to decorate their house, which almost becomes a hobby. Even I did not meet his parents in person or I know nothing about his family, I can tell from the one thing that they are living a very happy family live, since almost only people in love and happiness would spend so much time on decoration and by doing this, the happiness realized and visualized as every little things in houses. It is really sweet.

One pop star once said when she was under huge pressure, she would rearrange her room to set herself free form the depressing things. I did it too, and it really works for me sometimes. I should write down all the finding and maybe can write a book like" how to live a happy life". Like Chen once said, I am very happy for 366 days a year.That's a life not free of troubles but free of geting more troubles when one is down.

Sleepy

2006-08-16T17:29:00.000-07:00

Get up at 6:30am is easy for me to be on time but it is hard to not feel sleepy for at least one hour or two when I get in office. Go to sleep early at night can not save me, so I start thinking of maybe when the weather is cooler I can get myself a bike and ridding the bike instead of taking a bus in order to cheer me up. But there is actually a long way from where I live to where I work. I found that I always have many plans that can not be realize. Maybe I just like the way to plan something or I just need something to think about.

Everyday, I would spend a long time on the bus and I always fantasy stories which would never happen in the reality. Like in the next stop, there will be a very handsome boy get on the bus and I have no trouble in killing the time, and maybe we can talk and spend the long and boring "bus-time" together. Of course, such thing never happens other than in my mind. I know when someone read about this would think I am the kind of girl who is eager to be loved or get myself out of the loneness. But the fact is not exactly like that. This kind of loneness and this style of life would not exist if I did not make the choice deliberately. In other words, I choose to be alone, living all by myself. What my life is like now, is the kind of life I eager for a long time. Sad it is, but it is the reality. I know many people think if one can be together with friends or family, no one would like to be alone, so if one is all by oneself, then the person is lonely, sad and miserable. The logic of life is not that simple. Be alone is not a bad thing especially for me and other who willing to take the responsibility to be an adult and live on one' own feet. After so many years totally dependent on parents, making a living by myself feels so damn good. Just thinking of that is a kind of happiness that I never had before. I finally make it happen: I am the only one who can decide which bed sheet to be used, what time to sleep, where to live and how big the house should be. I feel so good to be trusted by people far away from me and also do my parents; they think I can handle everything that has happen or will happen in my life.

Being an adult means responsible. Only when you can take whatever life gives to you as it is, you can call yourself an adult. So I try to be good not for others but myself. Finally I get the chance. Only if I still have something to believe and still have something to prove, nothing can let me down. People just have to earn what he or she wants and I am not unlucky, ill-fated but just not that lucky. That's all.

Life is so cool

2006-08-16T04:18:00.000-07:00

Sweetbox.

I never really tried to be positive
I am too damn busy being negative.
So focused on what I getI never understand what it means to live.
You know we all love to just complain.
But maybe we should try to rearrange
There’s always someone who's got it worse than you

My life is…My life is so cool, my life is so cool
Oh yeah, from a different point of view

We’re all so busy trying to get ahead.
Got a pillow of fears when we go to bed.
We’re never satisfied.
The grass is greener on the other side.
So distracted with our jealousy.
Forget it’s in our hands to stop the agony.
Will you ever be content on your side of the fence?

Maybe you’re the guy who needs a second chance
Maybe you’re the girl who’s never asked to dance
Maybe you’re a lonely soul, A single mother scared and all alone
Gotta remember we live what we choose
It’s not what you say, it’s what you do
And the life you want is the life you have to make.

Yes ,Life is so cool.
Since we should live our life anyway, why not just love it? Life is so cool.

I am out of my mind and so lost

2006-08-15T18:08:00.000-07:00

I found I am out of my mind today; I get up early and put on my dress without zipping the zip on the right side and go out like that, then I find out 30min later in the office. It’s a pretty embarrassing situation and I know it would be even more embarrassing if I did not carry a huge bag on my right exactly covering the zip. This is the kind of things that never happen before and hopefully, never happen again in the further.

I just know one thing I am a bit lost or out of my mind, but not depressed or crazy. That’s a good ting. I can accept the fact as it is and do not need to make up stories and lies to make myself feel better. Although life is not under control in some sense, I know I would survive form all the messy. Once in a while, I mess every thing up in my life and start all over again. Now it is the time and the zip thing is a sign.

But still, what I did today is really stupid and embarrassing. How can I get myself back to normal?

After a stay-up night

2006-08-14T23:27:00.000-07:00

Sometime, when I try to write something down, I don't know where to begin. Last night, I waited until 3:30am to go to bed and after 3 hours' short sleep; I get up at 6:00 am as usual.

Last night was supposed to be an normal night which I should watching movies and browsing some pages and go to sleep, just as yesterday and the day before yesterday and so on. But one thing make that night different form others: a phone call. I make a phone call to someone I do not supposed to call for the rest of my life at least not when I still think call him or not as a problem to me. I do not want to call one and let him consider me as the miserable girl dumped by him. (ok, I am thinking too much. That's fine. That's the mistake I always make) But I cross the "not-calling" line draw by myself just because one post on gter, which posted by him 12 days ago saying that what present he should give to the girl he had feelings to. I can not describe clearly that what I feel when I saw this post, but I remember that a moment some pictures just jumped into my mind and moving very fast, pictures contains everything happened between us form the begin to the end. I feel tired of holding such memories all by myself, and tired of holding back what I should say. So I call him anyway. I deleted every thing concerning him one month ago, so I ask another girl for his number.

"Hello," when his voice comes form the other side, I feel that it is the time. I talked and laughed, and spoke everything straight out and I know everything is over. He told me about the girl he had a crush on, and told me that he is hoping that she will call him and so on. Right before that he did not willing to tell me that because he considers that fact he fell for another girl as the ruthlessness reality that would make me unhappy. So just as I afraid of, his sorry for his "dump-me-thing" make me pathetic. Being pathetic and miserable is what I can not bear or take. So I told him not to feel sorry about anything. So he began to tell me about his love story and still with all the uncertain words just like before. Suddenly ,I saw he loves the girl in the way exactly like the way he loved me; I changes much after breaking up with him, but he stays the same. Luckily that I finally, make he laugh and talk even more than when we together in the last call I made. I find I can understand him since he is so easy to understand.

All the uneasiness, resentness along with the sadness are gone with the call. I do not know the definition of the fully recovery but I do know is that :when I put the memory behind my back, I know the best one is always the next one. Just like a girl said: In the supermarket, on your way to the cash register, you will pick up many goods and put them back. I encounter wrong person and put them back.

Life will go on.

Monday

2006-08-14T02:23:00.000-07:00

One day's work will come to an end at 12 mins later. I open the bolg and try to write something. So what should I write? Should I begin with an cliche like "how fast the time goes" to show my feeling about another one day without doing anything meanful.

One word very popular in my company is that "Can you do something meaningful?" People repect the sentence again and again in the office. In the afternoon, one colleague said this word to me once more when he caught me browsing the web. I looked at him and said" Well. Can you tell me what kind of thing can be called meaningful?"

Me & something in Shanghai

2006-08-13T04:50:00.000-07:00

Just try to upload one photo taken when I was in shanghai. Those days in shanghai has left me so much memory, no matter good or bad. The sweetness and bitterness is what the life is like. May 20^th is the day I left Shanghai for Nanjing, which I was expecting long since I finally can get out of the lonely and boring life as an intern in Shanghai Pudong New Area District Livestock & Veterinary Medicine Station.

But when the day has finally came, and when I was on the bus to the railway station, I looked through the window: all the buildings, trees and people moving backward, the sun shining. Suddenly, the sadness just came from nowhere, and I cry on the bus, my tears running down silently on my face. What was I feel sorry for? Leaving the city which I do not find anything that I like? The days I always find myself stand between nowhere and boring? I have no idea till today. Maybe I just too sensitive like I always being. I am easily moved by something normal but stay cool with other some that should be tear-provoking. In occasions that many people cry, I always the one won't feel a thing. It is a really embarrassing situation, most of the time I just pretend that I am sad too to avoiding troubles.

So what is wrong with me?

My First Post

2006-08-11T22:30:00.000-07:00

This is my first post on the creating day of the blog.

I do not really know what to say because I know there is no one will see except myself.
I am a kind of lost in these days in Guangzhou since I came here one month ago. I always find myself stand among nowhere, just being aimless and emotionless. I know this condition is bad and i should get moving and try to be happy & positive & brave. But I just can't, I can not cheer up myself for most of the time.

Everyday, I get up and go to work at 7a.m in the morning and back home around 7p.m. During the 12hours, I often find myself do not know what I am doing nor what I should do. Finding oneself doing one's job only for money is really depressing. I think I should find a goal and get myself a chance to get satisfaction form my job and therefore saving myself out of the mess i make for myself.

The reason i choose to come to Guangzhou is so obvious although I often deny is that i came here in hope that my ex-bf and I can get back together if we are in the same city. But life is not be the way you want it to be. So I decide to put my "get-back-together” fantasy into an end and face the life. Someone told me that do not give up the thing you can not live a single day without thinking of. But when it comes to the real world, I found that I have to give up something to live my life. I am indeed thinking of him everyday, but I do not feel sorry for it. Memory is not a bad thing, even if it brings you pain. The pain remains you that the happiness you had and tell you to treasure what you have now since you won't know when you will lose them.

Things are changing everyday. I need to figure out a way to realize my dream and become the person I want to be.